Posted November 10, 2010 by Alex Moss Editor in Features
 
 

Bah Humbug


Christmas isn’t loved by all. Here are some fine examples of Christmas Haters.

‘Tis the season to be jolly. Well if you like that sort of thing. However, some people struggle to get into the festive spirit of it all. December sees the release of the positively anti-Christmas film Rare Exports; A Christmas Tale, in which Santa is turns out to be an evil, child steeling, demon. So to celebrate this Bah Humbug Christmas film we look at the top ten film characters who hate the Holiday Season. A glance at this lot is enough to turn even Santa into a mean spirited old grump.

1. Frank Cross (Scrooged, 1988) There must be at least one Scooge character on the list and they don’t come much better than the obnoxious dry, sarcastic and callous Frank Cross. It helps that he is brought to brilliant life by Bill Murray at his ruthless best. Defining Anti Xmas Moment: When told by his props master that he can’t get antlers to stick on a mouse he responds, “Have you tried staples?” Well it’s worth asking.

2. The Grinch (How The Grinch Stole Christmas, 2000). OK so The Grinch doesn’t like Christmas, that’s fair enough it’s not everyone’s bag. But to try and steal it from the adorable little kids who love the season to be jolly is just plain mean. For shame on you green-skinned Jim Carrey.

3. Bad Santa (2003). Admittedly, Billy Bob Thorton’s Bad Santa isn’t so much anti-Christmas as anti-everything but for his latest trick he’s going to rob a department store while posing as Santa with his midget friend pretending to be his elf. The problem is that pretending to be Santa seems to bring out the worst in Willie. For example, the reason he tells a small child that his beard is fake is because he got sick by loving the wrong woman, “Mrs Santa?” comes the response, “No her sister”. Well if you’re going down the Bah Humbug route you might as well take as many with you as possible.

4. The Sheriff Of Nottingham (Robin Hood; Prince Of Thieves, 1991). It’s one thing to not like Christmas, it’s one thing to try and steal it, it’s a very different thing to have so much disdain for your fellow man that you are willing to “call off Christmas”. But, that is exactly what Ye Old Sherriff wants to do when that do-gooder Robin Hood puts him in a bad mood by robbing from him. That this line is spat out by the ever-grumpy Alan Rickman makes it a delightful moment in the war on Christmas.

5. Kate Beringer (Gremlins, 1984) “And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.” Kate has possibly the best reason on the list to hate the festive time of year. Her brilliant monologue in Gremlins describes how one Christmas her father went missing, only to turn up a rotting corpse stuck in the chimney dressed as Old Chris Cringle to surprise his daughter. The story is made all the more eerie by Phoebe Cates glazed eyes nostalgic delivery, almost like it might be a happy memory. That sound you hear is a vast violin playing and Tiny Tim being whipped for complaining compared to poor old Kate.

6. Patrick Bateman (American Psycho, 2000). Although Christian Bale’s Bateman spends much of his time looking to chop people up he seems to reserve a special distaste at a Christmas party. With his sarcastic delivery of “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” and a look of utter disgust at the whole frivolity of the affair. Little is left as to his feelings on the subject. However, the true tell comes when his fiancé asks him what he would like for Christmas following it up with; “and don’t say breast implants again”. Well if you have to ask.

7. Darian Hallenbek (The Last Boy Scout, 1991). Darian is the sullen teenage daughter of Joe Hallenbeck. She seems to hate everything, especially her father. So when she draws a disturbing picture of Santa Claus, who she names ‘Satan Claus’, decapitating a child her teachers and parents are rightfully worried. What is more concerning is when her father tells her they need to talk about ‘Satan Claus’ she terrifyingly responds, “you’ve heard of him too?” No but we’re going to be blocking up the chimney just in case, thanks Darian, straight on the naughty list for you.

8. Detective John McClane (Die Hard, 1988). Yippee Happy Christmas Motherf*cker doesn’t quite have the same ring to it but McClane is clearly not a fan of Christmas. Admittedly he never actually admits this but the signs all point that way. For one thing he seems to constantly run into seriously unpleasant terrorists or thieves at this time of year. Secondly when dispatching them he is happy to jeer at the more festive moments. Witness as he sends a body down in a lift, dressed in a Santa hat with the words “Now I Have A Machine Gun, Ho Ho Ho”.

9. Donnie Darko (2001). This is a classic case of a young boy not getting what he wants for Christmas. More worrying is that while Donnie is all too aware about the imminent end of the world he still seems to dwell on his parents not giving him ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos’ for his present one year. It’s not even that good a game Donnie.

10. Will (About A Boy). Will is an Island, he likes being alone. So the thought of having to get together with friends at Christmas fills him with dread. What makes it even worse is that his dad wrote the ever popular, but hugely irritating, Christmas song Santa’s Super Slay. That he then ends up at the Christmas from Dullsville with a woman he tried to seduce by lying about having a child, a suicidal woman and her slightly odd son might give him grounds to hate the holiday further. Let’s be honest though, there is little more depressing than Christmas songs, except that one by The Pogues, we’re quite partial to that one.

And finally; Those that deserve special mention:

Lauren Hanon (Black Christmas 2004, played by Crystal Lowe). It would be fair to assume that anyone who talks about Father Christmas as “a fat voyeur that watches you all year long to make sure you live up to his standards of decency before breaking into your house” is not someone going to make the good list. Mind you she’s in a film called Black Christmas so her odds on enjoying this one are slim.

Babe (1995). The young pig knows little of the concept of Christmas. What he does know is that he is likely to be served up as the main course at this years festive dinner. Well you can’t have turkey every year.


Alex Moss Editor

 
Alex Moss’ obsession with film began the moment he witnessed the Alien burst forth from John Hurt’s stomach. It was perhaps ill-advised to witness this aged 6 but much like the beast within Hurt, he became infected by a parasite called ‘Movies’. Rarely away from his computer or a big screen, as he muses on Cinematic Deities, Alex is “more machine now than man. His mind is twisted and evil”. Email: alex.moss@filmjuice.com