Strong words were spoken, harsher words were whispered, Smurfs were thrown and, in one case, a Drive/ Kill List hammer was raised. A truce was called, hugs were shared and a weeping rendition of A Real Hero was sung, and a solution found; each Filmjuice Editor would have their own Best & Worst of 2011 List. So, without further delay, Ladies and Gentlemenm behold Cinema Editor David Watson who kicks off with the first of the FilmJuice team’s Best & Worst Films Of 2011
Here at Filmjuice a storm has been brewing like a well-timed
cup of tea. That storm is the raging debate as to what films were the
best and the worst of 2011.
Strong words were spoken, harsher words were whispered,
Smurfs were thrown and, in one case, a Drive/ Kill List hammer was raised. A truce was called, hugs were shared and a weeping rendition of A Real Hero was sung, and a solution found; each Filmjuice
Editor would have their own Best & Worst of 2011 List. So, without further delay, Ladies and Gentlemenm behold Cinema Editor David Watson who kicks off with the first of the FilmJuice team’s Best & Worst
Films Of 2011.
10 Worst Films of
Silent Bob might want to think
about calling himself Whiny Arrogant Bell-end Bob after tossing his toys out of
his pram when critics and audiences alike responded with a resounding “Meh” and
a disinterested shrug when he unveiled
Red State, a dumb, violent, tedious, essentially teenage rant about the
evils of religion. Think Jay and Silent Bob stay at Hostel. Red State is inept in virtually every way that could matter to a
sentient audience. But we’re
all to blame for that. Bleating Bob’s never
bothered to learn how to write a story, how to create believable, sympathetic characters,
how to build suspense or how not to overwrite his dialogue. Why should
he? He’s never had to before. It’s just plain churlish of us to
expect these things from a successful, 42-year-old director with 10 films under
his straining belt. It’s OUR fault this film is as bland and stupefyingly
boring as the Dutch countryside on a drizzly day. We should have stopped watching Douchebag Bob’s films long
ago. Oh wait, we did. Like a child picking up his
football and going home because no-one wants to play with him, Has-been Bob, Southwest
Airlines Passenger of the Year, has threatened to stop making films if we don’t
all get down on our knees and beg him to keep going. He’s serious. He
means it. He’s quitting. Right after his next film. Or the one after that. Maybe. Which is a real shame.
How will we survive without Inflated Ego Bob’s unique take on the
world? We may have to make up our
own sweary dick jokes and pepper them with unfunny, geek-boy Star Wars references…
Red State Review
Possibly the worst film I’ve ever
experienced (and I’ve sat through Czechoslovak New Wave crap like Daisies), Kill Keith is at number 2 simply because I’ve never seen director
Andy Thompson interviewed and, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I’m
assuming he isn’t an unholy, egomaniacal colossal douche of Whiny
Bob-proportions. Andy, if you’re
reading this, be a prick to an interviewer and maybe you can be Number 1. Sometimes a truly bad film can be a delight. A
guilty pleasure. Sometimes, a bad film is so bad, it’s actually
good. Sometimes, a bad film is so bad, it’s just bad. And sometimes,
a bad film is sooooooo bad it makes you want to tear open your own
wrists with your teeth, fill your mouth with your own hot, precious blood and
spritz it at the screen until the sweet release of unconsciousness takes you as
you exsanguinate. Just so there’s no chance of ambiguity, Kill Keith
is the last type of bad film. It
really is less fun than stabbing yourself in the eye with a frozen dog turd.
Kill Keith Review
The Barbarian 3D
A film so devoid of any cultural or artistic merit you
will weep for the future, preferring nuclear holocaust just so the sightless,
pus-filled eyes of the deformed, mewling, mutant babies brought up in the
radioactive ruins of our shattered civilisation will never have to look upon
the horror that is Conan The Barbarian 3D. This
film will make you realise that the sooner an asteroid hits this planet and
wipes humanity from its face, the better, at last giving some other species its
turn at dominance.
Conan The Barbarian 3D Review
This being Christmas I’m reminded
of the Nativity story from the Bible.
The Virgin Mary, Joseph, the donkey, Bethlehem, the birth of Christ, the
star, the shepherds, the Wise Men, etc.
Of course, it all ends badly for the kids born over the holidays when
evil, old King Herod, worried that Baby Jesus is plotting to steal his throne,
decides to kill every child in Israel.
While I don’t have a throne to steal, Horrid Henry did make
me want to execute every child in the land.
Horrid Henry 3D
In 1967 Jean-Luc Godard declared
“Fin de Cinema” (Cinema is Dead).
With Film Socialisme he
Sex And Zen: Extreme Ecstasy
Selling itself as the
world’s first 3D erotic movie, 3D Sex And Zen: Extreme Ecstasy is a
pretty one-dimensional experience. Also, considering it’s supposed to be
an erotic movie, a grand total of five, FIVE,
penises are lopped off during the course of the film. Which is at least five too many. Personally, if I’m
watching smut, the last thing I want to be thinking about is getting my dick
cut off. Full of nasty sexualised
violence 3D Sex And Zen: Extreme
Ecstasy is about as erotic as
an aged, down-on-his-luck boxer, his brittle, claw-like fists gnarled with
arthritis, repeatedly punching you in the nuts until you puke all over both of
you. And not in a sexy way.
3D Sex And Zen: Extreme Ecstasy
Neil Patrick Harris, may you burn
in Hell’s deepest lake of fire for birthing this cinematic abortion. And you kooky ginger girl from Glee. Damn you! DAMN YOU BOTH TO HELL!
The Smurfs Review
Week With Marilyn
Felt more like a fortnight. Michelle Williams may be a very good
actress but she just isn’t sexy.
Casting her as the 20th century’s most iconic sex symbol was
never going to work. Luckily you
don’t notice how badly cast she is for how terrible the film is. Even FilmJuice Events Editor Beth Webb, one of our nicer more
charitable reviewers, said the film made her sick in her mouth a little.
My Week With Marilyn Review
One of this film’s minor, kooky,
plot points revolves around the kooky, cute, terminally ill heroine learning to
play the xylophone. Instead of seeing this film, just
learn to play the xylophone.
so wanted this film to be great.
It looks fantastic. The
trailer had me tumescent with anticipation. It looked like Pan’s Labyrinth remade by a masturbating gun nut on acid with a
schoolgirl fetish (not necessarily a bad thing…). But God, did it fail me. Never have beautiful, scantily-clad women firing guns
been so darn unsexy. The film just
isn’t fun. This is a movie where leather-clad vixens piloting a WW2 Lancaster
bomber engage in an aerial dogfight with a fire-breathing dragon. That should
be fun. A little blonde girl in pigtails fighting giant samurai should be fun.
Any movie where scantily-clad stripper/hookers battle clockwork steam-powered
German zombie soldiers should be fun. And it is. Sorta. Kinda. But not
really. Sucker Punch is both one of the best films I saw this year and one
of the worst. No film this year disappointed me quite so much.
10 Best Films Of
The heart-warming tale of the
mayhem that ensues when an all-American sociopath captures a primitive,
cannibalistic, feral woman living wild in the woods, takes her home, chains her
to a wall and tries to get his family to help him civilise her, The Woman is fun for the whole
family. If your family happens to be the
Fritzl Family. Boasting
fantastic, fearless performances from Sean Bridgers and Pollyanna McIntosh The Woman is the sickest, most
depraved, transgressive, downright disturbing film most of you didn’t see this
year, managing to be both a dark, subversive feminist horror movie and nasty,
and Tarkovsky, and drawing on quantum
physics and multiverse theory, Another Earth is a deeply soulful,
intimate exploration of grief, guilt, love and redemption. A science fiction movie for people who
don’t like science fiction, it’s the film The Tree Of Life should have
Another Earth Review
Tailor Soldier Spy
A bleak, cerebral, melancholy
film about the human cost of the spy game, Tinker
Tailor Soldier Spy is the chilliest of Cold War thrillers.
Feet 2/Puss In Boots (Both 3D)
Impossible to choose between them,
Happy Feet 2 and Puss In Boots are everything kids films
should be; funny, smart and exciting.
They don’t patronise the kids and they don’t bore the adults. Happy
Feet 2 might just have the edge on Puss
In Boots thanks to Brad Pitt and Matt Damon’s philosophical krill and their
existential crisis but both films are a joy. See them this Christmas!
Puss In Boots review
Happy Feet 2 Review
Two of the sexiest men alive
giving two of the best performances of their careers! Ryan Gosling cements his leading man status as the smooth,
cool-as-ice, taciturn getaway driver in Drive
while Brad Pitt gives his 2nd best performance of the year (see Happy Feet 2) as the baseball manager
taking his team of no-hopers to glory.
A funny/sad British coming-of-age
film that’s actually good. Jessica
Brown Findlay (who plays one of the poshos in Downton Abbey) is the sexy,
rebellious, teen wild child whose friendship with girly swot Felicity Jones
changes both their lives.
Skin I Live In
Reunited after two decades apart,
Almodaovar and Banderas are back to their demented best in this deliriously
transgressive psychosexual thriller about a barking mad scientist and the
captive woman who is his magnificent obsession. Dark, erotic and twisted, The Skin I Live In is the film that should have won this year’s
Palme d’Or not Terrence Malick’s Walking
The Skin I Live In Review
A blackly comic, modern day
Western set in the wild, wild West – of Ireland, Brendan Gleeson’s dodgy small
town copper is forced to team up with Don Cheadle’s uptight FBI agent in order
to smash a drugs ring in this funny, profane, joyously un-PC buddy/cop movie.
The Guard Review
Nicolas Cage is a bad-ass crook
who escapes from Hell, FROM HELL, in order to avenge his
daughter’s murder, rescue his granddaughter from a Satanic cult and save the
world in this demented 3D action movie that ditches plot and character
development in order to throw more jiggling breasts and severed limbs at your
face than you ever thought possible in 104 minutes. More bonkers than a drug-crazed koala bear trapped in a
tumble dryer, Drive Angry 3D is
violent, amoral fun; the very definition of a guilty pleasure.
Drive Angry 3D Review
Fischer Against The World
A fascinating portrait of a
cultural icon, chess is war as demented genius Bobby Fischer takes on the might
of Soviet Russia at the height of the Cold War.
Bobby Fischer Against The World Review