Today: June 22, 2024

Piranha 3DD

It’s easy to forget that a certain James Cameron’s first movie was Piranha 2: The Spawning.  If the King Of The World can survive such a monstrosity, then surely there’s every reason to create a sequel to 2010’s Piranha 3D.  While that film was as tacky as B-movies come, it at least managed to create a slight giggle with its tongue-in-cheek ludicrousness.  Piranha DD does not.

It’s a year on from the events of the first film and with the piranhas all wiped out, the threat seems to be over.  But it turns out they’ve been using underground rivers and lakes to migrate.  When Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) returns to thewater park she co-owns with her stepfather Chet (David Koechner), she learns he’s replaced all the lifeguards with strippers.  But more worrying he’s drilled a well, which the killer fish are gradually gnawing their way into.

You’d think that any film containing the line; “Josh cut-off his penis because something came out of my vagina” might hold some hope of being vaguely entertaining.  Not so here.  Instead we’re treated to a host of unoriginal fish attacks, some rubbery breasts, floundering fish and wooden acting.

It wants to titillate but fails to arouse, it wants to shock but the gore is like ketchup in a bath and the big climax comes, well, prematurely.  All this leavesyou frustrated and exasperated.  That recovering alcoholic, and former Knight Rider, David Hasselhoff’s pastiche cameo is the highlight of the film goes some way to pinpoint just how utterly dull Piranha DD is.

If you’re a 13-year-old boy it might tick a few boxes but then so will page 3 of The Sun.  At least there you might see something with a bit of life left in it.

Alex Moss Editor

Alex Moss’ obsession with film began the moment he witnessed the Alien burst forth from John Hurt’s stomach. It was perhaps ill-advised to witness this aged 6 but much like the beast within Hurt, he became infected by a parasite called ‘Movies’. Rarely away from his computer or a big screen, as he muses on Cinematic Deities, Alex is “more machine now than man. His mind is twisted and evil”. Email: alex.moss@filmjuice.com

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