Today: April 19, 2024

Sex: The Weird And The Whacky

Intercourse. Shagging. Screwing. Bonking. Humping. F*****g. The beast with two backs.

Shagging. Screwing. Bonking. Humping. F*****g. The beast with two backs.
Yes, today we
are going to talk about sex. And no, we’re not going to re-sight
Salt-N-Pepa’s 1991 classic
(which is a shame) but we are going to look at how the intimate act of love
making has been depicted on screen throughout the years. Now, unless you are Ron Jeremy or Jenna Jameson, sex can often look unnatural and unattainable on
film. That’s why some directors choose to avoid the straightforward missionary
and explore sex in strange and surreal ways. If you’re easily offended, then
read no further because the things on this list are far from your average one
nightstand. Some of them are downright disturbing. So stop sniggering at the
back you lot and let’s commence our red light tour of some of cinemas strangest
and sickest sexual moments.

Fatal Attraction
The film that
made a star of Glenn Close and
reaffirmed Michael Douglas as one of
the great leading men of the 80’s is best known for a psychotic performance
that gave birth to the term ‘Bunny Boiler’. Despite being a riveting thriller,
Fatal Attraction actually contains some rather realistic and funny sex scenes.
Both leads struggle to remove clothes and bash into objects while Douglas
stumbles around with his trousers around his ankles. It may have been
completely unintentional, but that honesty resonated with many as the film went
on to receive award nominations.

When filming sex
scenes, the danger that a director can often face is the potential to
degenerate into pornography. Steve
was obviously aware of this while making his fantastic exploration
into sex addiction, Shame. Michael
has sex with a large amount of people and partakes in a number
of sexual activities throughout the film. Yet all these scenes never look
desirable or attractive. A perverse sense of indulgence and abstraction
dominates and really hammers home the desperation of this addiction.

Rape should never
be considered as love or even sex for that matter. It is nothing more that an
awful act of assault and dominance. Many films have showed just how terrible
this act is but Deliverance contains a scene that is so shocking and disturbing
that it still horrifies to this day. The male on male rape by a local redneck
on an innocent defenseless hiker is one of the most depraved and repugnant
things ever conceived in a film. The forced impression of a pig only adds to
its harrowing nature.

American Pie (Main Picture)
It’s not all doom and gloom
round here. In fact some films have found time to poke fun at sexual ventures.
None have done it with more originality and humour than American Pie. The first
installment of the franchise remains the best and one scene still stands out
from the rest. After a friend advises him, young Jim Levenstein (Jason Biggs) decides that inserting his manhood
into a warm apple pie is the best way to get a ‘feel’ for things. When Jim’s
brilliantly deadpan Dad (Eugene Levy)
catches him in the act, his refusal to see anything wrong only escalates the
hilarity. A teen movie classic that has never been surpassed.

Gareth Edwards
’ super low budget sci-fi road trip was one of the unexpected hits of
2010. Despite its title, though, it contained only a small amount of actual
monsters. The main film was actually about how strangers can bond in foreign
countries and how the human spirit can shine through in the most dangerous
situations. However when the monsters did finally arrive, it wasn’t in a
chaotic or menacing way. A tender and dreamlike embrace occurs between two
towering tentacled beasts and a beautiful mating ritual proceeds. Just when the
audience was hoping for a bit of action, the creatures get all soppy on us and
we were all the better for it.

Team America: World Police
Never ones to shy away from
controversy or a gag for the sake of things, Trey Parker and Matt Stone
pulled no punches when they made Team America. Apart from having some
unbelievably offensive jokes, a never ending flood of vomit and being generally
hilarious, Team America is fondly remembered for having an elongated sex scene
(containing pretty much every position imaginable) between its two main leads.
But when every character in your movie is a puppet, you are therefore left with
one of the most bizarre and absurd things ever seen in a film.

More tentacles here in one
of the strangest and maddest films ever made. Described by it’s own director, Andrzej Zulawski, as ‘a film about a
woman who f***s an octopus’. That sentence alone is enough to conjure some
unpleasant images in your head but when you finally see the act in progress it is
like nothing you imagined. Acclaimed actress Isabelle Adjani won best actress at the 1981 Cannes film festival
but for years after suffered breakdowns as a supposed but unconfirmed result of
the film. Even the creator of the tentacled creature, Carlo Rambaldi, still finds it hard to talk about.

Ichi The Killer
One of the most violent and
sadistic films of all time, Takashi
Ichi The Killer features some of the most unspeakably sickening
things you’re ever likely to see. So a sex scene or two was bound to follow.
One of the opening scenes, sees a mob boss hire a prostitute and before the
deed is done, his entire body has been sliced up into large chunks by the
unwilling assassin, Ichi. Not the average way to climax. Other scenes see a man
getting continuously punched in the face by a leather clad woman and another
sees a woman unwillingly have her nipples removed from her breasts. Probably
not one to snuggle up to with your other half.

Blue Velvet
The introduction of Dennis Hopper’s evil Frank Booth is one of the most iconic
and distressing scenes that the great David
has ever committed to film. While having her son and husband held
hostage, Frank routinely demands sexual favours from Isabella Rossellini’s Dorothy in degrading and obscene ways.
Foul-mouthed and with an oxygen mask in hand, Frank dry humps and tortures
himself on top of Dorothy. While all this is going on, a young Kyle MacLachlan is locked in a nearby
wardrobe observing the entire exchange, which only serves to add to the
perversity. The sexual intensity and the oppressive male nature in Frank, set
against the backdrop of a quiet American suburbia, is one of the stand out
scenes in this surreal masterpiece.

David Cronenberg
To have a list about
deranged sex scenes and not include David Cronenberg would be an unforgivable
crime. Right though his career Cronenberg has explored sex in endlessly
imaginative and original ways, using visual metaphors and body horror to
display his warped philosophy. There are so many of his films that do this so
well it’s hard to pick a definitive one. An early film, Shivers saw sexual parasites take over an apartment block. Videodrome saw heaps of sadomasochism
poured over James Woods and Debbie Harry but also bared witness to
a man making love to a television. Surely a first. His adaptation of William Burroughs psychedelic novel Naked Lunch, featured a scene in which
a man has very painful sex with a large bird. Two men, pretending to be cars
making out with each other is just one of the bizarre fetishes shown is Crash. Even more recent films like Eastern Promises and Cosmopolis have provocative and
suggestive sexual scenes that are incomparable to any other director. The fact
that Cronenberg can keep coming up with original and emotive ways of exploring
sexual desires and fantasies means that he his echelons ahead of everyone else
in the field. Also it would take a very brave and strange person to even step
up to the plate to knock this king off of his perverted crown. As Videodrome
says ‘Long live the new flesh’. Literally.

Alex Moss Editor

Alex Moss’ obsession with film began the moment he witnessed the Alien burst forth from John Hurt’s stomach. It was perhaps ill-advised to witness this aged 6 but much like the beast within Hurt, he became infected by a parasite called ‘Movies’. Rarely away from his computer or a big screen, as he muses on Cinematic Deities, Alex is “more machine now than man. His mind is twisted and evil”. Email:

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