Today: April 18, 2024

Zombie Apocalypse – Ten Survival Tips

After almost a year of reshoots and rewrites, World War Z finally hits UK cinemas this weekend. The jury’s still open as to whether Brad Pitt’s much-anticipated zombie flick will be groundbreaking or just more guts and gore. However if the trailers we’ve all seen tell us anything it’s that if – or should that be when – the zombie apocalypse does come, we’d all better have a plan. Fortunately, Alan Fry Peters has a cupboard full of cricket bats and files labeled Emergency Plan Z. So read on as he reveals his Top Ten Tips For Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse…

Parental Advice: the following clips are strictly adults only.

1. Plan Ahead
In order to successfully survive a zombie apocalypse the first thing any self-respecting survivalist needs to know is just what sort of zombie they’re dealing with. Is it the shambling, shuffling type or the alarmingly fast and hungry type? Different zombies require different plans, so know your enemy.

2. Find A Place To Hole Up
Planning ahead can mean the difference between life and (un)death in the event of a zombie outbreak. Do you have enough food/water to survive?  Do you have enough weapons/ammo?  If the answer to any of these questions is no then you have a lot to be getting on with. However, a safe base from which to plan your campaign should be your first consideration. A top tip is: zombies cannot climb. Get your supplies and go hide in an attic somewhere. The zombies may well decide to hang around a bit but just ignore them. No matter how complementary they are.

3. It’s A Zombie!
That cuddly looking lady over there chomping down on that human leg is most definitely NOT auntie Nora anymore.  You’ll need to free yourself or all emotional attachment if you don’t want to end up in the undead belly of a zombie.  Whoever it used to be it isn’t them anymore. Remember: never ask a zombie for a hug!

4. Choose Your Weapons Carefully
What weapons do you have stashed away?  It may be a good idea to think about what might reasonably constitute a weapon. A gun? Pretty good, but can you actually aim it and shoot it with any degree of accuracy? Remember this and make it your rule of thumb when creating your armory. Blades never need reloading!

5. Get Fit
Do you think you can outrun a zombie?  Let’s face it most of them are a little on the slow side, so you’ll probably do OK at a brisk walk.  But never, never allow yourself to get outnumbered.  More than five zombies means just one thing – run!  With this in mind, avoid places where zombies are likely to congregate like shopping malls, especially as it can be very hard to tell whether you’re faced with a real zombie or just a zoned out daytime shopper.

6. Don’t Get Bitten
It may well look like a flesh wound but one bite and that zombie infection is already in your bloodstream. You could try chopping off the offending extremity but prevention is always better than the cure!  Make sure you keep yourself covered at all times. Leather is absolutely perfect  – cover yourself in it!  It doesn’t matter how hot it is out there, the undead will make no attempt to question your personal hygiene.  Better to be safe and smelly than split into quarter-pounders.

7. You Cannot Reason With A Zombie
Saying “please zombie don’t eat me” is unlikely to work.  In fact it definitely will not work.  Zombies are undead killing machines and have no need for compassion, mercy or pity.  You can’t try to convince them that what they are doing is wrong either.

8. Keep Moving
If you don’t have somewhere safe to go, then keep moving and always, always, travel light. While a hundred tins of baked beans may well be useful, you don’t want to be carrying them all around with you. Twinkie bars are small, light, compact and a hell of a lot easier to carry. Although getting them can present its own problems..

9. A Decent Pair Of Shoes Can Save Your Life
Think about it.  Can you run in those eight-inch stilettos?  It doesn’t matter how nice they make your legs look. You need to think about how steady you are on your feet.  Keep a decent pair of flat, comfy shoes at hand at all times. Combat boots, trainers, steel toed work boots are all excellent examples of sensible shoes that can help you outrun any zombie that may have taken a fancy to your legs. Or arms. Or head …

10.  Don’t Panic!
Probably the best piece of advice any one can give you is – don’t panic.  Keep clam, keep your wits about you. If you want to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, make sure you know what you are doing, how you intend to do it and when you are going to do it.  Keep your head and you’ll keep your head.

So there you go then. Ten simple tips to help you survive a zombie apocalypse.  If you follow them you may well come out of it in one piece and not as a light snack for an undead fiend.

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